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Eek, a title!

February 23, 2012

I have to force myself to write more.  I miss it so much, my chest literally aches sometimes.

And it seems to have the easiest fucking solution, no? Grab a pen, dumbass, and start scribbling.  How hard IS that??

For me, pretty hard.

I’m desperately ashamed of my abilities.  Or lack of.  Or ….

Really, I have a smidge of talent, and I can occasionally fart out something kinda cool, but for the most part, I am just mediocre.  And I don’t think it’s one of those things that can get better with practice.  Maybe.

See, I have a million ideas, but 99% of them are just not very good.  And that’s ok, not every idea will be perfect every time.  But my problem is how to recognize the difference.  It’s one thing to be paralyzed by some pathological fear, but another thing when you cannot objectively determine if the idea is worth the time or effort.

So yeah, I worry I will waste time on something unworthy.

But then I tell myself, the time passes one way or another.  A month is a month, no matter how I spend it.  And writing *can* bring such joy.  I have all these wonderful memories of filling 3+ spiral notebooks, of scribbling as fast as I could before the ideas/words/images faded from my mind’s eye.  Sometimes I’d forget to breathe, if the concentration was strong enough.  I miss the immersion, that out-of-body-ness.  It was its own kind of high, and yeah, addicting as hell.

But at the end of the day, I had 20 or 30 handwritten pages of mediocre material.  I might as well have spent the time writing “I am an asparagus” 2000 times.  Same end result: a lot of wasted ink on paper.  A tree died for *this*??

*sigh*

If I was reading this stuff on someone else’s blog, I’d tell them to do it for the experience, not the end result.  Mountain climbers don’t actually get to keep the mountain, they do it for the view, for the experience. And maybe the talent/judgment (or lacks thereof) really *is* something that can improve with practice/time/experience.

Look at one of the webcomics that you love so much … compare the first one in a series to the current one.  Even hardcore professional artists, people born with talent, improve over time.  And it doesn’t detract from their earlier stuff.  Same artist, same characters, just slightly less polished. Still awesome!

This isn’t about using self-deprecation to get little “there, there” pats on the head.  I’m honestly worried I’m not good enough.

Okay, like drawing or singing, for me.  I know I cannot sing.  I love to accompany my favorites with my off-key warbling, but I know, no matter how much I might want to, I *cannot* sing.  My voice is horrible! I don’t have a tin ear, necessarily, but I cannot make my throat hit the right note.  And drawing? The basics of line and lighting and hell, even sketching an object so it’s recognizable elude me; there’s no amount of practice or training that would help.  And I’m perfectly fine with being shitty at both these things!  I might daydream once in a great while about being awesome, but really, I don’t lose sleep over it.

But writing? Yeah, lots of sleep lost.  I’m almost in tears now out of pure frustration.  Being a writer was very much my identity for a long, long time.  I got that English degree.  I wanted to teach college-level writing at one point.  My personality is perfect for it, as a profession.  My conscious mind *thinks* in sentences and balanced paragraphs. I *like* the solitude, both physical and mental.  I love the clattering of fingertips on a keyboard or the scritching of a pen on paper.  The whole experience is this electric-zen-being-one-with-Creation sort of nirvana, like communing with the One Reason I was put on this planet.

It’s my black-and-white thinking again, that if I’m not Good™, then really, it’s just inefficient and the time would be better spent doing dishes etc, something with an actual, qualitative value.  And there really is a strong element of not wanting to attract negative attention from assholes.  I don’t have a thick skin, even the slightest insult leaves scars.  In the past, I’ve experienced abuse from assholes, but I’ve also unintentionally gone out of my way to provide them with not only ammunition but a detailed map of where to hit so it hurts most.  Hey y’all, here’s the most important thing in my life, and heeeere’s the weakest point in my defenses, see that little hole right there?  Ok, cool, just wanted to make sure you stay away from it, because a direct hit will shatter me, and that would suck, right? Right.

And then I’m actually surprised when someone does it. *sigh*

Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see where I went wrong afterwards, but while I’m *in* it? I never know until it’s too late.  I’m so so bad at figuring out who to trust.  So I end up not trusting anyone.  Including the professionals who said I have talent.  Why would they lie? Who the hell knows?  I’ve just been on the receiving end of so much bullshit from so many seemingly rational people that my radar is permanently borked. Fool me once, ya know?  I feel as if I were inviting emotional trauma, not just randomly encountering an asshole, but actively *inviting* them in.

So why can’t I write but not share it? Why can’t I scribble in my notebooks and put them in a drawer and savor my creation-nirvana without giving assholes the ammunition to hurt me …….. Shit, I honestly don’t know.  Seriously, I don’t understand why I don’t do that.  Heh, the thought that just sprang to mind: someone might find the notebooks after I die and make fun of it.

There it is, there’s the craziness!! Right there! “I might be embarrassed after I die.”  Whooooooo, that’s nuts.  Not only is it crazy, but it’s not even interesting-crazy or funny-crazy.  It’s just of pitiable.

I give them ammo, I allow what they say to hurt me.  In theory, being thin-skinned is a choice.  I don’t have the slightest idea how ignore shit when it’s happening, though.  And really, I need to consider the source more.  Bullies and abusers don’t have the best judgment, by the simple fact that they choose to be bullies and abusers.  They are inherently incompetent, on a human level.  So why the hell do I listen/absorb/believe the abuse??  They might have some experience, sure, but if they cannot give feedback without nastiness, it makes their whole message suspect.  They are wrong to be an asshole, what else are they wrong about?

Rationally, I know their words only hurt because I allow it.  How do I block it? How to I ignore it? I don’t ask that figuratively, I need to know *exactly* how to stop the bullshit from hurting.  What do I say to myself, do I distract, do I rationalize it away? Do I just shrug and go back to whatever I was doing before I was so *rudely* interrupted.  Do I imagine the asshole shrieking incomprehensibly in some alien language?  How exactly does this work?

Heh, just had an idea inspired by one of the forums I read (constantly).  If you’re annoyed by someone else’s behavior and it’s not your place to tell them stop, or if the behavior itself isn’t bad, they just get on your last fucking nerve, then one way to stop being annoyed it to reward yourself when they do it.  Give yourself a point every time they do the Annoying Thing and redeem the points for valuable prizes! Or make bingo cards with Annoying Things instead of numbers, get 5 in a row, you’ve earned a new paperback!  The guy in the next cubicle farts again? B13.  Mary using a speakerphone for personal crap? N44.  Mother-in-law leaves passive-aggressive voice mail? o71.

Internet Troll makes nasty comment? G48.

Get five in a row, buy a new audiobook!

For variety, try different bingo styles: form letters (capital E or T), aim for just the corners or all the odd numbers, etc.

Supposedly, soon you’ll be looking forward to Annoying Things instead of dreading them.

Not sure how it would *actually* work, but at least it’s an idea.

I wish I could just ignore the bullshit, though, would be so so much easier in the long run.  Why give an asshole one single nanosecond of your attention? Why waste any brain power at all on them?

Other ideas for defusing bullshit:

  • treat them like the subject of academic study, you’re a detached anthropologist not a victim
  • forgot what I was gonna write here, will edit later if I remember it 😉

Anyway, gonna end this.  Gonna actually post it, for once.  Happy I wrote it out, helped a little I think.  And just at 1500 words, too.

yay me

tick tick tickticktick tick keyboard clicking tick ticktick tick tickticktick tick tick tick spacebar tick tick ticktick tick tickticktick

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Try Try Again

September 23, 2011

**Cross-Posted from my blog on myfitnesspal.com**

It’s almost 2 years since my gastric bypass.  I started at 440, now down to 285.

My lowest weight was between 263 and 265,  but it’s been slowly climbing.

I have another food plan from my Nutritionist (an MD), and more advice.  I *must* record foods eaten, and times, etc, to give him a better idea of what’s going on.

Last night, was very frustrated, very depressed.  Ended up seriously bingeing and went to bed early.

SO today, I’m starting over again.  Need to stay below 1250 calories (Doc wants it below 1000cal per day, but I have a large frame for a female, and I feel sick if I go too low).  Need to get at least 100 grams of protein per day and keep fat grams under 30, if I can.

The biggest issue is cutting way, way, wayyyyyy down on carbs.  I have done it in the past, I know it’s a successful strategy for me.  I just have to be very careful about carb creep, a lot of things had just enough carb in them to trigger a full craving.

I also ordered a variety pack of chewable vitamins made especially for post weight loss surgery peoples.  I had been using a liquid multivitamin, and even though it DID work well and I was able to digest it fully, the taste and texture eventually made me sick.  Yark sick.

I need to lose about 85 pounds.  For my height (5’11”) and large frame, if I weighed just under 200 pounds, I’d be fine.  I will not be able to get any sort of plastic surgery, so a lot of my weight will be hanging, deflated skin.  Anything under 200 pounds would be a miracle for me. 🙂

So yeah, the plan for right now is to record what & when I eat and my exercise times.  I have a recumbent bike here at home, and I really enjoy using it.  I can’t do any impact exercise (bad joints from being so big) and walking around the neighborhood could be dangerous, so I’m gonna stick with the bike.

I’ve been playing with an idea I saw on some random weight loss surgery forum: a poster with joint problems had to visit a physical therapist to improve her range of motion, etc.  The therapist recommended, of all things, learning a few country line dancing moves/routines, find some music she liked, and shuffle around.  Doesn’t have to be quick, just get up and move to *something* fun.  Can do in the privacy of your own home.

I know I’d look like a HUGE DORK, but hey, it might be fun.

No country music though, can’t stand it. 😦

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No more regrets

August 27, 2011

*facepalm* I hit enter accidentally just now and published a blank post 😛

Anyway, have decided to make a list of the “important” things and try to do them each day.  I know, most people do this automatically; I do feel kinda stupid having to make a *list*.

But here it is:

  • Write every day (or do something that promotes writing, like world-building or plot development)
  • Exercise every day!
  • Get all protein/vitamins/supplements/meds daily
  • Do a serious chunk of housework
  • Set aside time for goofing off on the Internet & World of Warcraft (scheduled play time, it’s important to me)
  • Figure how how much & when to incorporate that Shiva Nata stuff
I usually feel guilty when I don’t do these kinds of things.  They act as weapons that I tend to beat myself up with.  Maybe I can turn them into good things?
You’re a stupid moron, useless waste of skin! Yarrgblargyarg…..

No! I wrote 3 pages today, cleaned the bathroom, and got most of my vitamins in! I even got Manilla the Rogue Dwarf to level 43! I am inherently USEFUL and my skin is right where it should be. 🙂

I wrote out 2 other posts detailing the thought processes that got me to this point, but they were really rambly and babbly and better left unpublished.  Still not *that* thrilled with this post either, but it’s wayyyy better so far. 😀

Still learning thatShivaNatastuff (feels like it should be one long word like that).  I believe I’ve got the base positions memorized, have done a few “drills”, but for the most part, I’m kinda stuck. Now what?

One last thing I think I need to do, is either return to my paper journals, where I can babble as much as I want.  Or allow myself to do babbly posts here and keep them unpublished.  Or maybe add them to my second blog — it was created for anonymous ranting and tantrums and stuff.  Dude, I needed a spot for babbly posts and I already *HAD* one? Feels like Dorothy clicking her heels *facepalm*.

Gotta wonder what other problems I could solve like that …

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Questioning my Sanity

July 30, 2011

Approx. 10 days ago, watching what I was eating, counting protein and liquid intake: gained until I maxxed out at 280 again.  Got scared, then got depressed, and basically gave up.  Started eating *whatever* I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Only thing I watched was the liquid intake, don’t wanna shrivel, ya know?

Today I weighed in at 263.

So yeah, I am questioning my sanity. Seriously.  Eating *junk* and full fat and carbs, and I lost again.  Ma brain, she be hurtin’.

My only plan now is to simply eat what appeals, stop when I get full, pay attention to liquids.  Maybe record all food & exercise, just to find patterns.   I still cannot accept that me eating without restraint will make me lose weight. It’s.just.not.rational.

Although I am reminded of something my surgeon said after the RNY: he gave me a “drastic bypass”.  I had thought he meant a small pouch, but later realized no, he meant he bypassed a LOT of the intestine and my absorption level is really, really low.  Makes me wonder exactly how much of what I eat really gets absorbed.  Even at 1500 calories per day, am I still in starvation mode?!

It’s so irrational to me, but hard to argue with results.  I dunno, just feel like there’s an answer here and I’m consistently missing it.

:\ *shrug*

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I don’t suffer from insomnia …

July 28, 2011

I enjoy every minute of it! XD

Ok, maybe not.  If I don’t take the Amitriptyline and OTC sleeping pills, I end up staying awake for days at a time. Add that to the non-24 sleep disorder, and you end up deranged from sleep deprivation.  Fun hallucinations! Paranoia! Yay!

Sleep stuff is just fascinating to me in general, and I love reading others’ advice on insomnia.

Here’s one I really liked:

The first thing I do is hide the clock or at least turn it so I can’t see it.  Seeing the time makes me more anxious about still being awake.  Then I lie in my bed (all sources of light out) and write a novel in my head.  I have one that I always go back to and imagine the story, dialogue etc for the next chapter.  It’s certainly never going to be a best-seller as it usually puts me to sleep!   ;)

I *love* this idea, but I also worry that I’d be compelled to write some of the ideas down and get too excited to sleep.  I have a lot of trouble with my mind not being able to turn off when I lie down, so maybe it’s not the best idea for me, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

Dammit, I miss writing. 🙂

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Hearing Voices

July 25, 2011
***Update***
Right after I wrote this all out, I felt better.  Seriously, calmer and just about ready to try again tomorrow.  I might be back up to 280, but that’s WAY WAY WAYYYYYYYYY better than 440.
I do feel stupid for worrying so much, and I almost deleted this post, but then I thought “Can’t hurt to leave it up.” *shrug*
So no need to call a hotline or whatever, I’m fine, just feeling a little silly for getting worked up.
Here’s the post anyway …
Major battle inside my head.
I’m gaining weight, even with supposedly watching what I eat and exercising more.  I don’t record every bit of exercise or food, but I see patterns.  And there’s a Voice in my head shrieking to just give up, eat whatever-the-hell-I-wanna “because you weren’t gonna do it right anyway, this was inevitable, you big fat cow.
Add that to feeling overly emotional lately (weepy, even!) and everything is taking on some greenish tinge of desperation.  (It’s not a PMS thing, I don’t have the equipment anymore.)
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Another #wls plan …

July 18, 2011

Trying a new method for nutrition post-weight-loss-surgery.

Going to minimize carbs like bread, pasta, rice, sugar.  Mandatory daily exercise.  And I can eat just about anything I want, as long as my net-caloric intake is under 1000 calories.

So as long as food intake – exercise output < 1000, I’m good.  On one hand, it feels stupid and gimmicky.  But on the other hand, it’s almost instant accountability — instant consequences.

“Sure, you can have extra cheese, but is it worth the 10 minutes of heavy pedaling to burn it back off?”

As long as I don’t let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction, I’ll be fine.  Frankly, I’m not too worried about over-exercising or not eating enough.  I didn’t get to 440 pounds by starving or moving around too much, ya know?

This is not necessarily going to be permanent, but it makes sense to me now.  Dr. Nutrition initially wanted me to eat less than 1000 calories per day, but from past experience, I knew that would put me into starvation mode.  Bad news.  My guts just don’t absorb enough.  This little idea is the next best thing. 🙂

Just now, I did 3.45 miles on my exercise bike (exerbike!) in 20 minutes.  I turned the tension up to setting #6 out of 8, and my legs are rubbery.  But I’m glad I did it, even broke a sweat!

This whole food/exercise decision is just one more step in my life-reorganization.  I’m tired of getting to the end of each day and regretting NOT doing certain things.  I made a list of things I need to do and things I want to do: like writing more, cleaning more, eating better, exercising more, playing WoW, etc.  Not all of it is FunStuff™ but not all is drudgery, either.  I’d like to be able to rest my head at night, satisfied that I was productive that day, that I didn’t waste too much time just sitting.  I miss writing, I miss playing computer games, and I really miss having a cleaner house.

The good news: it’s all up to me.  The bad news: it’s all up to me.   No fair!!